Well, we’ve been camping for three days only to come home and have knee surgery the next day on my right knee.  This time was weird. I puked three times. It was terrible. I just want to rest and drink and eat.

My bandage is slipping down. It might not make it to the goal of two days or about Monday. We shall see. It’s funny, I can move it fine in some ways, but other ways are impossible and I have to have Jessica come pick my leg up. She’s gotten really good at arranging my pillows. She’s a great kid.

Sleepy again. Later.        

It’s Saturday. Tomorrow is Father’s day. Tuesday we take our first ever camping trip in tents all by ourselves. Well, Maia will be there for Sydney’s birthday which is also Tuesday. She’ll finally be 12. On Friday, when we come home, we’ll have to pack up and leave at the ass crack of dawn because I have to be at pre-op at 10:45. I’m having my right knee operated on this time. I can barely walk on it. All the time I spent hobbling around on my right leg while my left leg was healing toasted. So now it’s surgery on my right knee. I’m kind of scared this time.

We’re going camping Tuesday and staying till Friday morning. We’re going to Millersillvania (sp). The camping trip is Sydney’s birthday present from me. Maia’s dad, Lincoln, has loaned us a lot of camping equipment. I don’t know why she’s divorcing him. He’s always been such a nice guy to me. He seems very giving and kind. I don’t know, maybe that’s the face he puts on for the “public”. She seems nice too but has a bit of a bite to her. Oh well, I wish the best for the both of them.

A few days ago I did my first chicken BBQ. We were all out there on the deck. My mind was at ease.

My left knee is so totally killing me. I’m even icing it in bed before sleep last night.

(Today) Well, I’m in the parking lot of The Dock, a building with shops in it down on the Foss Waterway. I’m here because the kids paternal grandparents are having their 50^th wedding anniversary down at the Wooden Boat Museum (or whatever it’s called). Obviously I’m not invited and I don’t want to be so I dropped the kids off and here I sit.

Lucy (I’ve named my right knee Lucy) is in pain. In a minutes time I can go from no pain to 8… it just depends on the stresses and pull and positions and such my Lucy is in. I’ve got my seat all the way back and the laptop is sitting in the steering wheel. Lucy feels okay at the moment.

I haven’t blogged because I’ve had much on my mind. The kids are finishing school for the summer but Jessica and Sydney are going to do a bit more Sylvan.

Sydney’s birthday is the 23^rd, Tuesday of a week from now. I got the brilliant idea of going camping. So we’re going camping in my little car at Millersylvania down by Olympia. We’ll be there for four days and three nights. I hope we can pack enough food and everything else. I’m going to make the kids hold their stuff. I’m excited and scared. I’ve never taken them camping in tents before. I haven’t camped in a tent since college.

This week I’m planning on spending time with my parents (around all the other things I have to do) to put together a kit of their things we can use on the trip. They have a Coleman stove and lanterns and stuff.

Check out time is 2:30, which is good, because I’m driving home, taking a shower and then going to the hospital for surgery on Lucy. Doctor Coray says that compared to him taking the plug out of my left knee for my ankle this will look really horrible and I should be prepared for that. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve been weight training and cleaning my room to get ready. I really just want to panic and go spend money I don’t have on books. They comfort me. I might need to know something in them.

I guess the kids’ dad has been very depressed for a while. I asked my counselor if I should have the kids call him. She said not to, it’s his responsibility as the adult to call them. Sydney has already convinced herself he’s not going to call her for her birthday and hates him for it. I told Kae, his mom, and suggested he call the day before because we’ll still be home. I guess I didn’t have to do that.

I’ve actively re-embraced the idea that we all have to follow our bliss in order to be happy. When I met my ex he was a happy go lucky guy with not a care in the world. Then he stepped out of his bliss and had marriage responsibilities. Then he converted to Christianity for me. Then we had 3 kids.

He’s so far out of his bliss. Now he wants to be a traveling preacher and he hates his job. (Grapevine) He still struggles with pornography (I found out this in a round about way) and tries to council others how to fight it. How hypocritical is that? He hasn’t defeated his own sin but he’s teaching others to. So sad… and not his bliss… I think that’s why he’s so depressed. I could of course be wrong.

My bliss is to take care of my Bipolar Disorder by not working a regular job, writing, and being a full-time mom. I’m going to start drawing again too. I love to draw. My hands seem to have forgotten how to do it so I’m struggling and am like a new student. I haven’t drawn in like two years.

TV shows I look forward to watching now or are waiting for include: Primeval, Torchwood, Sanctuary, and Eureka. Great shows.

This week Jessica has the Compass test for Running Start (so she can take college/high school classes at the same time. While she does that I’ll run over to Walmart and have the tires balanced. The next day Sydney has her arm doctor appointment to assess how she’s doing. Then I have to get the oil changed. And on it goes.

My Bipolar State Today
I feel like crap today. I’m losing my voice and I still have that crap in my chest. I had chest x-rays and sinus CT scan. This thing in my chest has been going on for about four weeks now. I wish the doctor would just put me in the hospital and get rid of it. I feel like I’m drowning. Does wonders for my agitation level.

I’m at Jessica’s open gym with her this evening. She’s graduating tomorrow and is trying to put together a routine.

Someone here stinks. I think it’s the boy sitting next to me.

I’d like to get to know a couple of the ladies her as friends. Too bad they’re too busy and besides not likely to like lil’ fat ole me.  I love listening to Lizzy lead a class. Her voice is so lively, musical, strong and happy. I wish I could be friends with her but she’s so busy. See how I feel sorry for myself? I’m a little depressed. I made a music cd for a casual friend. Doing things like that always make me feel better. She won’t know it was from me. I like it that way.

 I’m so very bored. Jessica is just far enough away from me for me to not be able to see what she’s doing. My eyesight is getting very bad. I need to have them checked.

One good thing about this week, ok two…. I had a flat tire and I got two new tires. And secondly …. I forget…  (later) I still forget.

Now it’s  the 6^th. Jessica just did her routine for her first degree blue belt. I’m so proud of her. I wish I could be out there with her but there are the problems of my right knee and my asthma. .. but I make excuses for myself. We got some really good pictures of her and Sifu.  My lungs are gurgling again. I think I’ll take a nap.

My Bipolar – What is It??
For many people having Bipolar Disorder Type 1 is a death sentence literally. For many others they become the walking tortured. In general:

BIPOLAR DISORDER IS:
A lifelong condition in which people have very high and very low mood swings. Each time they feel one of these it is called an episode. Some of us have these symptoms all our life. One expert describes the illness as “a roller-coaster ride for patients and those around them. Restless, grouchy, or happy moods may become an episode of mania. Feeling tired, empty, or very sad may become an episode of depression.” I also have what is known as a mixed episode. This is when I have an episodes of both mania and depression at the same time. Screwy huh?

FACT: Bipolar Disorder affects more than 5.7 million Americans.

It is an illness where many suffer from it, but we all do so very much in our own hell. People around us don’t have any comprehension of what it does to us. If you have it, then this blog is for you and the people who judge and don’t understand why you just stood up and screamed at your kid in front of their friends and totally embarrassing them for something you can’t even remember what when you’re able to finally stop the tirade.

In the past I’ve been unable and unwilling to share my Bipolar Journey publically. Sometimes I can’t believe the things I do and say.  When I try to make friends I eventually tell them about the disease and they inevitably treat me differently. I have to expand my limited group of friends, those I can tell about it and just treat it as they would any other diseases. It isn’t like I walk around with men’s underpants on my head now is it?  At least I don’t think anyone got a picture of that –

I’m going to jump around writing this. It’s how my brain works. My three kids follow me most of the time, but there are times when even I don’t know what I’m blathering on about.

Ciao

May 30, 2009
MMA & Busy Weekend
I’ve got Jessica here at Lenderman’s for the third day in a row now.  It’s a nice place so it’s ok. I want her to do a good demonstration for her graduation and test good for her tip. I’m super proud of her. We’ve missed a lot lately… I’ve been really sick with asthma… so she’s a little less proficient than we’d (she and I’d) like.  The black belts assure me she’ll be fine. I don’t want fine, I want good, I want great. She works so hard there’s no reason not to expect it of her.  I’m glad that this is her “thing” and that she loves it.

She and I have been talking about school and I’m teaching her about following her bliss even if that means taking a class over or taking an extra year or doing Running Start. I’m proud of her and will do whatever it takes to get her ready for being a productive and happy member of society… as is what I believe the main goal of parenting is.

I had to just call Jess over because they’d been talking about the MMA as a sport and not practicing for a while. So they are back to practicing again. I’m like I’m not sitting here bored out of my skull (I’m still manic).

After this the plan is for her to go to her friend’s and from there go to a movie party. Then spend the night at her house. In the morning they’ll be coming back to our house and pack lunches and I’ll drop them off at Walmart to catch the bus into town… Tacoma. They’ll hang around in town most of the day and maybe get her dad a birthday present. Maybe, if she cares to. I suggested to her that they find the tourism office and see what there is to do. It will be warm. I’ll try to get her to use sunscreen, but since I rarely use any...

April 25^th 2009

Sick Cat and Family Updates

Lincoln, our 19 year-old cat has been very sick today. He was screaming. I mean screaming! He had various poos and dripped out his mouth when he was going. It was horrible. And the screaming… god! He’s drinking water now and has finally stood up and walked around. Then he goes back to a blanket we put down for him under Sydney’s desk. He stinks. Tomorrow I’ll trim his butt again. Ew!

The Seattle Sounders beat San Jose today, 2, 0! It was cool. Sydney watched a few minutes with me. We chatted and I told her I thought she’d be a good soccer player.

I’ve seen the eye doctor about this thing in the corner of my eye next week. They’re plastic surgeons eye surgeons. My doctor explained it sort of like this: just in case they have to remove it and it may require plastic surgery afterwards, it’s just best to have them do it. He sort of scared me. So this afternoon that self same eye lid has swollen up. It hurts. Hopefully it will be better before the appointment.

Also this week I see a neurologist for large muscle ticks. I think my dad saw me tick yesterday a couple of times. Don’t know what he thought about that. I had to stop and take a deep breath and will it away.

My massages have been going well but I still have all the pain. Almost all the pain.

We ordered sparing gear for Jess for martial arts. She’s now regretting not getting shin guards. I’ll see what I can do. Tomorrow I’m going to help her with her Junior paper. She’s sweating bullets.

Well good night now. See you on the flip side.

Cold

It’s so cold. I’m burning.
I close my eyes. Tears tumble, stinging my face.
Breathe.
Tears choking.
Emptiness.
A whimper escaping, sobbing, a violent tremble.
Falling.
Ever falling.
There is no place to land.

Gracie St. John, copyright March 13, 2004

April17^th 2009
Rules on the Internet
I’m unsure of what protocols are specific to each application online, and who would be for that matter, but I know character assassination is wrong everywhere. I’ve had it happen to me twice (that I know of). The first time was especially devastating and was an attack on my business as well.

Dude, you can’t just attack someone and expect them to know everything you know. What if the person is new to the application (like me). Even RPGs like Perfect World have tutorials for newbies. FaceBook and MySpace, two big hitters in the networking world have nothing of the kind. For MySpace you can Google MySpace pimp pages and then try to figure out how to use them to make your page look cool, but, MySpace doesn’t tell you jack-shit.

People should be kind to one another, helping and teaching not be mean and destroy them. I know that sounds really simplistic, but it’s true. Common courtesy is just that… common. These online worlds have complex systems of etiquette and you learn as you go. Those old-timers who have been around for a while should remember that… common courtesy should still be common.

I’m not so stupid as to think that everyone online is a good person, but I try to stay away from the seamy side of the Net. If you have a problem… a real problem with a person you can always do things about that. Just treat others the way you want to be treated.